The Sugar Run Dumpster

When Jess and I first go married, almost a year and a half ago now, we started out living in New Albany in the Sugar Run apartments. Taking the trash out there was a real ordeal, growing more painful as winter came and the unbearably cold weather set in. Anyway, for reasons unknown - possibly budget restrictions? - only one common dumpster was available for the entire complex. Since we lived on the far side away from the dumpster, I was forced to fill my car trunk with bags of trash and drive it over.

Eventually, I started letting our dog Phoebe ride along with me. She soon came to love trash day, and even the slightest rustling of a garbage bag would send her to the the front door waiting expectantly, wagging her tail.

Now we live in a house, and our trash can is in the garage. Good for us. Heartbreaking for Phoebe. Although, Phoebe still continues to hold on to the Sugar Run hope. This morning, I was taking out the trash from the kitchen to the garage. Phoebe came running out of her den - she likes to take an early morning nap - wagging her tail, ready to head out to the Sugar Run dumpster. I told her sorry, not this time.

But, maybe in five years or so, when nearly all hope is lost, I'm thinking we might just have a Sugar Run dumpster reunion. Just the two of us. For old times sake.

So We Meet Again, Ye Serpent of Old

It should be recognized up front that Jen Frabott acted boldly above and beyond the call of duty in a desperate time of peril.

Oblivious to the ill-fated direction of last Sunday, I started out by treating it the same as any other day. What I didn't know was that, coiled deep in the shadows of our basement, lurked a terrible, dreadful creature. Fortunately for Jess and me, Tony and Jen, our brother and sister-in-law, respectively, had stopped over to help us drag a roll of carpet down into our basement, where it would probably sit rolled up for the next six months, or until we mustered up the will to lay it down.

With Tony and me struggling on both ends, and the two girls helping with the middle, the carpet roll was finally placed near the east basement wall with the rest of the "so-called" storage. Before heading back up, one of us noticed a stray piece of bungy cord wrapped awkwardly in a strip of duct tape and some dust beneath the basement stairs.

I lunged forward to pick it up, but something - whether it was a sixth sense or divine intervention, I don't know - told me to just hold up a second. Wait a minute, we don't own a bungy cord. My thoughts pieced togther slowly, trying to make sense of the meeting of two worlds seemingly unfit for each other - the world of the domesicated, and that of the razor-teethed, venomous wildlife found only in the Outback or the pages of National Geographic. Tony beat me to the punch. "It's a snake," he said. Yes, that's exactly what it is.

"You can see its tongue," exclaimed Jen. Jess hovered closely behind and around us, as we spent a short time examining the sliver of bungy from a safe distance. It appeared it was stuck and unable to move.

"That's not a snake," said Jess, calmly. Tony, Jen and I had seen the tongue. Jess had not. Silence. No one tried to argue with Jess. She'd find out soon enough. The three of us stood stock still, while Jess took her time sorting out the colliding of the two worlds. At this point, we were all experiencing some form of that age-old fear of snakes, which had been so generously handed down to us from our ancestors in the Garden of Eden.

Now, the fear of snakes may be human nature, but most do their best to hide it if they can. Jess was not one of these. Again, the tongue. It tickled the air. This time Jess saw it. "Snake!" she screamed. "Snake!" she screamed again. "Snakes!" this time she added an "s" to make it plural. "Snakes!" Evidently, as we'd later discover, the sight of one snake turned into a multitude in Jess' mind. In fact, they had already grown 10 feet in length, eaten me, slithered up the basement stairs and swallowed our two children who don't exist, and who she'd quickly imagined us having for the occassion.

Jess' face was red like a turnip and rapidly approaching purple, and every muscle was tensed to the point of popping. I ran up the stairs, fleeing not from the snake but from Jess' bloodcurdling shrills. I ran about the house in search of a broom and a trashcan to sweep the snake into. Once upstairs, Jess' muffled shrieks were still building strength. Poor Jen and Tony were in the basement, trapped between the snake and Jess' screams. Looking back, faced with Jess' mounting insanity, I now see that Jen did what anyone of us would have done in her situation. There was only one way for escape.

It was the sad truth, Jess had completely melted down, uncontrollably surpassing the stage of uselessness and fastly approaching the point of becoming a total hinderance. Jen made a decision. She took one for the team. With bravery demonstrated only in the trenches of warfare, or possibly when ordering up a 10 pack of White Castle slyders a half hour before bedtime, Jen picked up the tape with the snake stuck to it. Calmly, cooly she went upstairs with it, careful to keep her fingers from touching the slithering reptile. Jess, doing what she did best at the moment, followed behind still screaming about snakes.

With one quick motion I opened the door and waved Jen in the general direction of the backyard. Once there, she could quickly toss the snake over the back fence into the overgrown ditch - where all things go we don't want. On the way out, I shut the door behind us, leaving Jess inside to deal with her scream-filled panic by herself.

Tony was already in the backyard throwing the ball with our dog, Phoebe. In the midst of the chaos, Tony at once poured his best efforts into protecting Phoebe from witnessing the going-ons. Phoebe's a very nervous dog.

Right before Jen was about to give the snake a toss, the backdoor opened and out came a brand new Jess. She was smiling. What looked like compassion played in her eyes. And a camera was in her hand. Supposedly she wanted to remember the object that had put her over the edge. "Don't hurt it," Jess said.

What happened alone inside the house, we may never know, but somewhere in that brief span of time she had made up her mind that she and the snake were friends. Jess possessed a brand new attitude toward the creature. She brought out a tupperware container to place the snake in, like a little bed, and then studied it closely, saying she was sad for it.

The snake was so wrapped up in the tape, it was hard to tell where the snake began and the taped ended. No one had the courage to unravel the poor reptile, for that would require a lot of touching it. So after a couple snapshots, the snake and the duct tape went over the fence never to be seen again. We all finally took a deep breath, and Tony assured me that Phoebe would never know about it.

And that was the day Jess learned she was afraid of snakes.

The Old Testament Animal

I'm reading Proverbs and ran across this incredible verse the other morning (PETA may have been around a lot longer than we think):

"A righteous man cares for the needs of his animal."

So next time you feed or water your goat or cat, remember, you're acting righteously!

Rocky's Got Punch

It was a Friday night. Jess and I weren't in the mood for much. Jess was tired from handling kids all day at work, and I just got back from playing a pitiful eighteen holes of golf with my two bosses, so needless to say, I felt defeated both mentally and physically. The burning heat of the sun during the day told its story on my face, which later settled nicely into a mild second degree burn. So, in our lowly states, we agreed to get dinner close to home, at Champps down the street. We both ordered the same thing - fajita salads - and after Jess politely spit out a hunk of bad meat into her napkin, I asked for the check and we left.

Seeing it was only 6:30pm, the next big question was what do we do next? It felt like a movie rental night. Since they refuse to build a Blockbuster anywhere near our house, we did our part and rebeled against the movie rental corporate giant by going to Kroger. Did you know that Kroger rents new releases for a buck? Yeah, a buck! It's the best kept secret in town. And you don't have to bother with lines or clerks or anything. At our Kroger, there is a touch screen tucked away in the corner, nearly buried in the heap of Buckeyes paraphenalia, where your dollar movie waits patiently to be chosen. Near the bottom, it spits your DVD out like a gumball machine, and you're good to go.

We had our fingers crossed for We are Marshall. But wouldn't you know it - sold out. So we found the next best thing, Rocky Balboa (Rocky VI). Although it was tough, almost upsetting, to imagine the Italian Stallion taking another round of lumps in the ring at the ripe old age of sixty, I'd heard good things, and besides, up til now, I'd already invested considerably into watching and rewatching the other five (well, maybe not the fifth).

And wouldn't you know it...it was actually good. I felt that old familiar rush of adrenaline in my veins again while Rocky trained one more time to the sound of trumpets. Back in the ring, Rocky was tougher than ever. He had transformed the old calcium deposited knuckles in his fists back into "hurtin' bombs", and his opponent got a quick lesson in heart.

I won't spoil the movie. But afterwards, I had never been more convinced that Rocky Balboa is the greatest boxer of all time. There may be only one tougher - John Rambo. And I'm holding out for the day when Hollywood gets the two together in the ring. Do I hear a Rocky VII?

Razzed by the Coffeeman

It was a cool Saturday morning in Indianapolis, and Jess and I were waiting in line for free (or rather prepaid) coffee during the break between speakers. The Renevare Conference, headlining Richard Foster, was held in a spacious First Church of the Nazarene building, tucked a few hundred feet away from the roaring highway.

Up til then, the speakers were great, the music was nice, and for the most part, the coffee was good (good creamer too), but then there was the coffeeman. Our first glimpse of the coffeeman was through the steam of the espresso machine. A name tag dangled from his white polo. I forget what it said, but if forced to guess, I'd say his name was Burt, or something of the like, something punchy.

Burt was hard at work, mixing up this drink and that, performing coffee miracles behind the makeshift coffee bar. He acted eager to please, but something stiff remained in his features. His smile could easily be confused for a wince. It looked painful, like it tore tendons. I couldn't quite put my finger on his hair color, either. His hair looked simply like the blond had been sandblasted out, and with the surfacing gray and poor lighting, it reminded me more of, well, the color of seaweed.

Burt's age could have landed anywhere between thirty and fifty - in this area I was stumped - and his sharp elbows and dangly frame called up the image of an Oklahoma cotton farmer during the deep depression. Indeed, something about him exuded a beaten down quality, but upon deeper inspection, a noticeable spark played in his eyes. Or was that red irritation due to the steam of the espresso machine? Either way, the spark told a story, a story that said, I'm sick and tired of people's crap. A story that said, I'm good for a fight. A story that said, that's Mr. Burt to you, and I'm about to rise up on society and claim my dignity.

Had we only known.


The question came innocent enough. Jess was just making conversation as usual as Burt busied himself with the ritual of creating a Chai Tea, wincing and steaming, wincing and steaming. Jess noticed a business card propped up on top of the espresso machine, and so she asked, "Is that your business card?" With a smile like a rubberband stretched past its breaking point, Burt handed Jess her Chai Tea and the business card. Jess studied the near-white card, and since we happened to be in a church lobby, she thought it safe to ask, "Are you a Christian company?" She thought wrong.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back. Immediately, Burt worked himself into a froth, punching us with questions. Drilling us wildly with philosophical arguments. Demanding definitions. "Do you mean am I a sinner?" asked Burt. And before Jess could clear up the miscommunication by explaining that, no, what she meant was, is your company a registered Christian company? Burt fired off another round of questions that all began with "Let me ask you this..."

"Let me ask you this...who is a sinner?" This question was directed at me. For a moment, unsure of Burt's motives, I thought that it all might be for sport. He was so sure, so confident, so quick, but his delivery borderlined the emotion of a professor teaching with his pants on fire.

Up for the challenge, I found a pause in conversation long enough for me to state, "Well, everyone's a sinner." Classic textbook answer, right professor?

At this, his eyes went up, searching his mind as if for a script. Then his eyes fell back on us, and Burt restated the question, "No, wait, I mean, what is the definition of a sinner?"

Catching on to his little game now, I shot back, "What's the definition of a Christian?" I stood fully ready to give him my thoughts on the matter, seeing things had turned theological. But Burt wasn't having it. He hit us hard, answering questions with questions, and before you knew it, Jess and I were utterly confused. We gave up and fled for shelter behind the doughnut table. We were under verbal attack. In the background Burt's badgering questions could still be heard over the murmur of the crowd. Then, as quickly as the attacks came, they had died out. Jess and I took a breath. Luckily, no one had been hurt.

After this, Jess and I agreed that we were good on coffee for a while.

Free Pizza

I can't think of anything exciting to blog about, because, truthfully, nothing very exciting has happened. Wait a minute. Pizza's exciting! Yesterday, my company announced in a mass email with fallish design an open invitation to a company pizza party at lunchtime today, to be held in one of the various conference rooms on the 2nd floor in the west wing. The catch is, as we chew our Donatos and drain our bottled beverages, a speaker of some sort is scheduled to talk company policy and to drum up morale or something. But who cares, as long as there's pizza.

Pizza is one of those rare things that crosses all generation and all ages. Small kids get excited about pizza. And although they may not show it as much on the outside, just mention the word pizza, and watch an adult's eyes light up. Pizza is a party in itself. It's always acceptable to tack on "party" whenever and wherever pizza is involved - Pizza Party. How's that for amazing? Try that with any other food, and you will fail.

Now, let me mention something that's not exciting - my work wardrobe. I think my pants have been through one too many washes. They're feeling a bit snug. But that's another issue for another day.

My Apologies in Advance

I don't feel like myself this morning. For the most part, I have it down to a disciplined science: I wake up early, read my Bible, and then struggle through some exercises. But right now exercise doesn't appeal to me. I'll be kicking myself later when I'm all holed up in my cubicle at work, gazing at spreadsheets. Around lunch time my attitude will crash and my body will start having fits, screaming at me, demanding any kind of movement. Just a slight strain, please? I can't help it. This morning laziness wins. And everyone around me will most likely have to pay. Sorry world...Joe didn't get his exercise.

Okay. I'm back. I couldn't stand it. I just exercised. Everybody can now relax.